remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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