Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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