Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There's even glitter on my cock...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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