i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
