Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
handjob tips. give me some.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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