dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
