what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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