He disabled his match.com account in front of me
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
