There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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