people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
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My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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