So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
