Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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