I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
