I am puke
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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