Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
