i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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