I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
