I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
