is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
