Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
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Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.