My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck