I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk