so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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