I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.