Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
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took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
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i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me