just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
