omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
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Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.