things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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