Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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