I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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