so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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