no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
