Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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