Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
