I just pynch a tree in the face
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It was confusing and full of hummus
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
