when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
