You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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