dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
