:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
