he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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