I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
