he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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