I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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