it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
