please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
