I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just blew my weed a kiss
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
