Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
