Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
