4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
