So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
