I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
