he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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