dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
