You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
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He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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