I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
