one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
