we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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