I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Acid is not a monday night drug
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
