my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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