low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
