You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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