He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
