I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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