I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
