Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
