I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
