he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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